Phoenix Song

Old and withered, I cry out in the pain of it all.

Knowing that no one is left to answer my call.

Consumed by sadness, despair and fear,

I search for what still holds me here.

I cannot seem to find a thing, the thing that holds me here.

So I sigh, and with a final cry, I burst into flame.

But instead of the cold grip of death, I feel the pull of life.

Reborn anew, no longer a captive of grief and strife.

I am still who I was before, but somehow not the same.

I am a wild, newborn thing, no longer shy and tame.

The pain still hides within my chest, an ache of the past.

But I no longer feel the need to let it hold me fast.

So in my finally desperate hours, where my soul gave in.

I grew and became something new, not captive of that sin.

I am a creature of flame, of feathers, bone and wing.

Yet all will hear my song when I decide to sing.

There's a light on up the hall

So I've decided the next few entries will be lyrics from songs I love, and my reflection on them, and how I see them applying to my life. So today's song will be Lift Me Up, by Kate Voegele. I have kind of taken on this song as my summer theme song. Here are the Lyrics: 

Lift Me Up, Kate Voegele 

This road is anything but simple
Twisted like a riddle I've seen high and I've seen low
So loud, the voices of all my doubts
Telling me to give up, to pack up and leave town

Even so, I had to believe
Impossible means nothing to me, yeah

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Somewhere, every body starts there
I'm counting on a small prayer,
Lost in a nightmare
But I'm here, and suddenly it's so clear
The struggle through the long years
It taught me to outrun my fears

Everything worth having, oh
Comes with trials worth withstanding

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Down and out is overrated
And I need to be elevated
Looking up is not enough
No, I would rather rise above

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

So what this means to me. Well last year, I had a pretty rough year. It really knocked me around. And during that year, I did things I really regret. But I am growing and healing from it. And trying to become almost a phoenix persay. I am become a better version of myself, a version that burns with passion for people, and one who utilizes her gifts for God's will. This song kind of puts that feeling into words. I am not there yet, but the hope remains. I have faced it, but I have survived. I am only blazing all the brighter. And that I am still fighting to become more. With God's help, I can overcome it. And I will. 

Thanks for reading. :)

Summer Playlist :)

Here are some of the artists that made it onto my summer playlist: 

- Sam Hart

- Starfield 

- Story of the Year 

- Strays Don't Sleep 

- Tyler Hilton (great voice!) 

- The Beatles 

- The Wreckers

- Band of Horses

- The Beach Boys 

- Butch Walker 

- Coldplay 

- Death Cab for Cutie (Awesomeness in music form!) 

- The Fray 

- Idina Menzel 

- Joshua Radin (Best ever! I want to marry his voice! :) 

- Kate Voegele 

- Michelle Branch 

- Regina Spektor 

Check some of these out! They are pretty awesome, and if you want to know specific songs, let me know, and I'll tell you what songs I love from each artist. Thanks! :) 

Year off dating

Last June, I decided to take a year off dating. Here is my account of this past year: 

Where did this year go? And what happened to the girl who started this year? I feel like a different person. Older, and maybe even a little wiser. 

 

I started the year of dating for selfish purposes. I was stuck between guys and I wanted there to be a reason for the singleness I had found myself in. So I decided to take a year off dating. A year to celebrate singleness and the uncomplicated-ness of it. But during this year, I have found myself. My calling, my passion, my heart. I have found a reason for this life and for what has happened in this life. I have faced sucesses and I have faced failures. I have had people I love die. I have lost friends. I have looked darkness in the eye and laughed. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, and because of His glorious love, I fear no evil. I know that He is there, and that He is my one true beloved. One day, in my dance with God, he will let the right man cut in. But for now, God and I are going to dance tangos together. Tied up in his glorious love and plan for my life. Hallelujah!

 

So, what started as a simple year of dating has evolved into a glorious relationship with my Lord. So now, instead of "taking a year off dating" I am taking a year to get closer to God and to gain new insights into myself. And after this goal, I just might start another one. Not to hide behind, but to celebrate in.

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is such a taboo subject in our world. And this is mainly because people force forgiving and forgetting into the same category. I don't believe they belong together. I don't think there is any credibility in the old saying "Forgive and forget." Forgiving does not mean letting someone off the hook for what they have done to you. Forgiving is simply allowing yourself to acknowledge that an action hurt you, and then to let the person who did the hurting know that they hurt you. It puts the ball into their court so to speak. I ran across a quote by Lewis Smedes that really helped me with forgiveness, and I'm going to share it with you now. "When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it." 

In forgiving an act done towards us, we are calling it what it is. Something that hurt. Letting the other person know they have hurt you, and that you have forgiven them for that pain. A lot of people I have talked to who have been deeply hurt hold out on forgiveness because of the fact that they are not ready to forget. Some things can never be forgotten. But by holding on to the pain, you cause it to rule you. Run your life, and let the person who wronged you stay in control. Forgiving them is gaining back that control, and letting go of the bitterness that might have stopped you from forgiving. Just my thoughts on the subject. 

The Boy in Striped Pyjamas

So I decided to take the time to watch a movie tonight and chose "The Boy in Striped Pyjamas". I was interested in it when I first so the trailer for it in theatres, so I decided to watch it. I'll give a brief synopsis of the movie: 

Bruno is an 8 year old boy living in Germany during the Nazi regime. His father is a Nazi soldier, and is promoted. But, they have to move far away from Berlin, to the country. At first, Bruno hates it, because he has no one to play with. Then he sees the "farm" from his window where everyone wears "striped pyjamas" and wants to play with the children he sees there. But his parents tell him he is not allowed to go back there. When the oppurtunity arises, he runs there and meets a little boy named Schmul who is behind the electric fence. A friendship blossoms between the two; one that seems to blur the "modern" way of thinking. 

I have to say, I was expecting it to be sad. I mean, it's a movie about a work camp. But this was a 5 kleenex movie for me. I cried and got angry, and cried some more. Now, this might be partly because I am a crier. But, I have a feeling that a lot of people would have the same reaction to this movie and fall in love with the little boy's friendship. I would highly recommend everyone see this movie, though I would suggest that you bring some kleenex along and maybe watch it in the privacy of your own home. It's a movie that will resonate with me for a long time to come. Enjoy watching!

wedding vows

So for my Social Work 245 class, I have to write a sample wedding vow. So I did. Here it is. 

We all hear in fairy tales about the Prince Charming who comes into the Princess's life and whisks her away. Sweeps her off her feet. He is dashing, charming and very handsome. Well it didn't happen like that for me. I mean, you are handsome, charming and dashing, but you are more of a stable boy than a Prince. You come to me, with a crooked smile playing on your lips and  a twinkle in your eye and you are worth more to me than 400 Princes. You always know what to say to me. You make my heart beat just as fast as it did the first time I saw you. Everytime we kiss, I still get butterflies. And these are giant butterflies. Not just the tiny normal ones. I can not wait to spend all my life with you. Through the rocky times and the sandy times. When I am throwing up and you have to hold my hair, and when you are sick and I rub your back and make you soup. We will face it all together, hand in hand. I will love you even when you are old, wrinkly and senile. I am so excited that I get to be with you, even when I won't remember you in old age, my heart will know you. My stableboy. God gave me you, and I couldn't have created a more perfect Prince. 

Glory to God in the Highest!

Dear God, 

I just want to thank you so much for the honor that you have bestowed on me. I am so amazed at your sheer love and power. I want to thank you that you have chosen me to be your hands and help the people you love. The feeling of you working through me is better than any high there is. Your love can move the mountains and shift the foundation of the world! You have taken my brokenness and pain and made it into a gift to touch me and others around me. I can feel you in a way I have never imagined. I never could have imagined this. But it is wonderful, and stupendous and just simply amazing! You truly are the Lord and creator of all! Nothing can defeat you, and with you on my side, I can overcome everything. I am in love with you Lord! You are my beloved and my strong foundation. Without you, I would be dust, but with you, I am so much more! I am made in your image. You have given me a heart for you people, and today that heart has leapt to life in ways I just never thought possible. You are an awesome God! You hold the whole world in your hands, but you took the time to create me and to give me the gift of love. Thank you Lord! Thank you beloved. I will love you always. 

Ellen 

Romeo and Juliet: Brownified

So, this is a short parody of Romeo and Juliet that I wrote for Lynette's mortal for Angels and Mortals here at Redeemer. It is accompanying a tray of brownies, so it is a story about brownies. That's right, a parody of Romeo and Juliet, about brownies. So, without further ado, Romeo and Juliet: Brownified, but Cakespeare (aka. me). By the way, I use quotes from Pride and Prejudice, Moulin Rouge and Romeo and Juliet (obviously) in this story. 

Auburn glanced across the room and noticed a ridiculously "baked" (hot/toned, NOT STONED) frosted brownie that was staring at her. He winked at her as she looked at him, and she turned away, her eyes on the floor. He sauntered over to her, his smile just as attractive as his frosted coating. "Hi chocolaty, did it hurt when you fell out of the oven?" 

She smiled at him shyly, and met his eyes with hers. He leaned against the counter. "What's your name chocolate girl?" 

"I know who you are Arun Hotah, and you should know who I am. I am a Donnely, and you are a Hotah. We can't talk to each other." 

"What's in a name? That which we call a brownie would by any other name smell as sweet." Quoth he. She swooned, in a very dainty way, for Auburn was a very dainty brownie. 

He caught her and held her in his warm, moist arms. "Let's dance Donnely." THey got out on the dance floor, and held each other close. The smell of Arun was almost  irresistible to Auburn. Suddenly, a smaller, thinner, moister brownie cut in. Auburn was left alone, as Arun and the other brownie danced around the floor. She sighed and turned to leave the room, but just then Arun caught her arm and whirled her around. "Where are you going Auburn Donnely?" 

"You were dancing with that other brownie. Who am I kidding, she is browner, moister and frosted just like you! I don't stand a chance." 

Arun turned around, pointing at the brownie who was dancing on the floor. "Who, that brownie? She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me." He caught Auburn up into his warm moist arms once again and gave her a very frosty kiss. When they broke apart, she smiled at him, and she could almost imagine her whole body melting from that kiss. 

They saw each other many times after that day, without their parents even knowing they were together. They slowly, but surely fell in love, the way that only two brownies can. They didn't pay attention to the face that Arun was frosted and Auburn was not. To Arun, Auburn was all the brownie he'd ever need. 

But then one frightful day, their lives changed for the worse. They were happily minding their own business, when Dunne Donnely caught them holding hands. He rushed off to tell his father, who, upon seeing his daughter with a Hotah, proceeded to start taking bites of Arun. He screamed in pain, and Auburn tried desperately to pull her father off of her brownie boyfriend. Finally, the Hotah's arrived and succeeded in pulling Donnely off of their son. But they were too late, he was injured beyond all reckoning, so much so that his parents agreed to send him into exile. 

In the world of brownies, being sent into exile meant that he was going to be eaten by humans. He couldn't fight the decision because the brownie elders had set it down in the law book in frosting. When they sent him away, Auburn clung to him and decided that it wasn't worth living unless she was with her Arun. They held hands as they walked to the plate, with the other exiled brownies. They waited patiently for their deaths. Before long, a human hand reached down and took hold of Auburn. She shrieked and clung to Arun, so they were both lifted in the air. Before they entered the mouth, Auburn sand to Arun. "Seasons may change, winter to spring, but I love you 'til the end of time." 

Arun kissed his sweet and smiled. "And thus, with a kiss, I die." They held onto to each other as they entered the mouth, united even in death. 

 

The End 

Hope you enjoyed! Leave comments! :D 

Passing it on

So I went to the Social Justice Conference this weekend and I actually really enjoyed it. We got to pick with workshops we wanted to go to, and I chose AIDS, God's hidden passions and one on slavery. 

I wasn't sure what to expect going into the conference, except a day of workshops dealing with some pretty tough subjects. But what I gained from the conference I think I will hold on to. I have always had a passion for working with girls and women affected by sex crimes, but I always focused my attention on sex crimes within North America. But when I heard of children and girls being sold into prostitution all over the world, it broke my heart. And if it broke my heart, it makes me wonder just how much it hurts God. 

In the workshop on Slavery, we talked about the sex trade, and watched a very disturbing movie called Mudan's Field. Very hard movie to watch. In summary, a little girl is sold to a brothel and the movie is about her eventual rape and how she copes with being sold. It is brutal to watch. I was sobbing by the end of the movie. I was so angry and torn up. And again, if I am angry, how angry is God? It's his little child, being brutalized and raped. 

It made me want to do something. It made me want to ride to the rescue and save little girls like Mudan. But since I can't, the most I can do now is pass on this story and that it does happen. If you can take watching a very disturbing movie that will most likely enrage you, and show you one thing that few people think about, but what most be on God's mind all the time. Watch it. Watch it and pass on that this does happen, and that it needs to be put to an end. 

Loneliness

Have you ever really stopped to think about the concept of loneliness? 

The complete and utter silence that it is. 

No still small voice. 

No whispers in the dark. 

No laughter of friends. 

Just complete silence. 

I know in my life I have had moments where I have felt utterly alone. I have felt the silence begin to creep up on me, like a sheet that is going to take my last breath. I have been deafened to the whispers and the laughter. But, I will never truly be alone. 

One thing that I find so awesome and comforting about being a Christian is simply knowing that God is there for me. That he watches me and knows me better than I know myself. That he has me in his hands and cradles me to him when the silence creeps up on me. That he cares enough to whisper "I am here, you are not alone." God is our rescuer from that silence, that deafening silence that can smother some of us if we let it. I can't imagine the hope that would be taken from me if I didn't know deep inside that I am not alone. I can't imagine not knowing that God cares for me no matter what, even when you have no one else. I don't know how anyone can survive without that hope. But thankfully he gives me the hope to break from that silence and realize how lucky I am to have what I have. How lucky I am to have a God that cares about me so much that he would die so I might live. It's simply mindblowing...

Introduction to me

So if there is anyone out there who is reading this and is thinking: "Just who is this Ellen person?", here's a bit of random info about me. 

- I love pickles...when some girls go for chocolate, I go for pickles.

- I am a huge bookworm...anything from classics, to fantasy to science fiction, I love it 

- I love lyrics...when I listen to a song, its for the lyrics, not the beat

- I am obsessed with learning about what makes people tick. I love to read body language and to guess what things different people have dealt with (or haven't dealt with) in their lives. 

- the above statement includes people watching...I guess I am now officially a creeper. 

- I think that hope is the greatest thing a person can take into life and its uncertanties. Without hope, what chance do you have of facing them? 

- I love tv shows. Some of my favorites include: One Tree Hill, Lost, Grey's Anatomy, Criminal Minds, and Gilmore Girls. 

- I am a cat person. I love dogs, but given the choice, I would take a cat. They are so human.

- I love poetry and the way it flows and makes words come to life. I have three published poems. 

- I am a psychology student, hoping to go on to get my Ph.D in Abnormal Psychology specializing in adolescents. 

- I just took up like 2 minutes of your time as you read random facts about me :P 

 

So there you have it. Me, in a very small nutshell. That's not all there is to me, but in order to know more, you have to know me. Ta ta for now!

Fresh Beginnings

Hey all. I decided to start a new blog as a way to put the past behind me. Literally. I am attempting to heal from the pain from the past, and one of the easiest ways to do that is to start over. So here I am. 

The main reason I have started this blog is to give me a place to post my musings, thoughts about life, and God, and also to post stories from my life for those who I love to enjoy. If you don't enjoy them...well, that's up to you I guess. Then just stop reading now dork :P.